Sunday, February 15, 2009


on melbourne australia television vinyl records clockcleaner.

Here ya go, breathface........

1. Well, my young man, I play in this band sometimes and it means we have to leave town to perform at terrible shows. I had to play a bunch of them in Austin, TX this year and while I wasn't boring garage rock fans I met a woman with a beautiful face and brain that was on vacation from the deep wilderness of Canberra, ACT. We decided it was a good idea for me to move to Australia and get married. Now we live in Melbourne with an annoying roommate who drinks white wine a lot. It didn't really take very long for me to find things I disliked about Melbourne. The music scene is deplorable aside form maybe Collapsed Toilet Vietnam, The Emergency and the U.V. Race. I don't like cover bands or Eddy Current Supression Ring. I will, though, admit that Eddy Current have a great thing going for them- they fooled everyone into believing they were a good band. All the women here either look like they're 12 or 40 years old. Seriously, look at any woman, especially white ones, and tell me I'm wrong. My woman isn't from AUS originally so she looks like a normal human. I don't do drugs because I am a real man. Crime here is a joke, it's all junkie crime.

Here's a short list of good things here:

1. Double Dipped Dark Chocolate Cherry Ripe

2. My Wife

3. AFL (see Carlton Blues)

4. Regular Cherry Ripe

5. Hamish and Andy

6. BBQ Shapes

7. VB stubbies

8. No Tipping bartenders or waiters esp.

I like a lot of people I've met here through Daniel and Pete at Missing Link. Many people have shown me much hospitality and I will love them forever. Maybe one day I will tell them when I'm drunk.

2. I have developed a great distain for Australian pizza. It's probably because they put too much useless shit on it. I'm sorry if I can't dig a pizza with nachos, sour cream, shrimp and infant fingers on it. It just needs cheese mostly. I also hate breakfast here. I'm sick of trying to find a restaurant that sells eggs and bacon with toast and hash browns. It doesn't exist. Here's a typical conversation between me and a waiter at brekkie(HA!): "So, can I just get some scrambled eggs with bacon, hashbrowns and toast?" "Well, we can, but you see they way we serve that dish is first we place all of those items atop a bed of iceburg lettuce just before we stuff them all into a tank bullet shell casing. We then fire the meal into the air. As the bullet is fired, the meal is heated to a perfect 50 degrees celcius and you have to catch the food with your mouth as we've tied your hands behind your back" Fuck breakfast here.

3. I work at a bar some nights so I don't watch much morning TV. I like the Footy Show, though.

4. It wasn't too hard to adjust to living in Australia. It's barely a foreign country. It's a beautiful city, this here Melbourne. It reminds me of Berkeley, CA. I admit I did feel slightly lonely and depressed around the three month mark but that has all passed. I found myself feeling vaguely isolated for most of the day, even around other people. It was strange for me due to the fact that I've never shown syptoms of depression any other imbalance. I chalk it up to boredom in the long run. I'm big boy. I will live.

5. I sold all of my records to buy a plane ticket on the fast to get down here. Made like 5 grand. Thats all blown. Who cares. I have been listening to The Band a lot. Their first 2 records are perfect. John Cale and Neil Young are two nice men who haven't sucked for more than one record ever. I like the newest Mitch Hedberg album more than anything with songs on it. He's dead. That didn't need to happen.

6. The Pretty Toney Album. "My shit powerful enough to lift a fuckin' donkey" Ok?

7. Clockcleaner has one more lp to come. It's half finished and is entitled "Auf Wiedersehen". We will regroup after the Nov Austrlian tour when I move back to America for one more tour in the spring and to see all of the loose ends tied up ie: Deerhunter split, GG allin single and other various crapola. It's ran it's course. Bands that stay together too long become bitter, desperate animals. I've never fancied myself a career musician, I don't respect that. It is truly a waste of time these days. We all have real lives that don't involve delusion or infantile behavior.



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